When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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