I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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