i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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