I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
