How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
BRING THE BAGELS
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
