He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
