Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
