you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
he fucked my hip out of place.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
