Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
