I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
