The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
