At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
