That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
