it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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