dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
