I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
