I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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