Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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