Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
