when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
