The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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