Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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