if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
