you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How does one acquire holy water?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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