Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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