I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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