Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
