How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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