There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
