fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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