Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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