you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
