It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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