he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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