You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
