its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
