i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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