when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
