I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
This is my gift to your gina
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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