At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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