My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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