he thought i was a dude.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
