At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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