i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
