So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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