you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
