I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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