U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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