that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
