I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
