2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
